This is my own record of my exploration of the Guardian mystery.  It’s probably quite boring to read…

History of the name

During the summer of 2005 I was theoretically and officially self-employed as a web designer.  What this really meant in practise what that I had a 6-month consultancy contract, and a few web design tasks that didn’t take up much of my time.  That summer was one of the most rapid periods of growth in my life, when several epiphanies brought me new insights.  Over much time spend meditating under a poplar tree in Ruskin Park, and sitting in a laundrette in Camberwell either reading or thinking, these insights began to coalesce.  This was the beginning of a new stage for me.  Before, I had always searched frantically for something true that I could begin to base my life upon.  Now I had found it, but I had no idea what to do with it.

While this process was going on, the word “guardian” kept popping up all over the place.  It resonated deeply with me and I began to wonder if it was related to me somehow.  I took it on, kind-of on a trial basis, and found that it sat very well with me.  I was beginning to see the path of my life, and my own nature, taking shape out of all of the things I’d learned, and “guardian” seemed to describe it’s essence perfectly.

Since then I have accepted that this word is a mystery that I am to unravel and understand.  It may be that there is no absolute understanding: that meditating upon the word is enough.  But it is my title, or name, or perhaps description.  It is me.

Why me?

From the Chambers online reference:

a guard, defender or protector

A Guardian, then must guard, defend or protect something from something else.  It also stands to reason that if somebody is going to be given that role, they must have the appropriate abilities to fulfil it.  One doesn’t ask a weak and untrained person to fight the dragon!  So I either have the right disposition to fulfil my role, or I have the potential to learn the right skills.  Analysing my core tendencies and dispositions and potentials then:

• I am physically large, and generally quite strong.  I have a number of other qualities that make me a fast and adaptable.  But I am not built for endurance
• I am very sensitive, emotionally and sensually.  It’s a bit like having the volume turned up very high on a stereo.  I can pick up things that others wouldn’t notice, but I have to learn to steel myself against the very loud noises
• I have excellent access to my intellect, and my intellect itself is very powerful
• I tend towards solving problems, but can have some trouble sticking to the solutions I find.  I prefer creativity to grunt work.  I grow bored of routine quickly.
• I have always wanted to know the answers, and as I found that all answers depended on other answers, I wanted to know the ultimate answers.  This lead me quickly to religion, then to mythology.  So I have a tendency to seek for truth, to it’s ultimate ends.
• I love all living things deeply

What am I guarding?

Ideas about what I am supposed to protect, and from whom:

• I protect humanity from it’s own illusions.  A popular one, and long-running.  I have built up an obsession with the idea of human illusions are being our ultimate enemy.  But I have also been fixating on this recently.  I am trying to let this idea go, to enable others to enter my consciousness.  I can return to it later
• I am the embodiment of a force for balance and harmony, one of many elemental, primal forces that are at work in the world.  I protect more than I can ever know, from forces that I do not need to comprehend, simply by fulfilling my nature as bringer of chaos, passion and clarity
• I am in training to respond to the events of 2012.  I have seen this date mentioned too many times to ignore it, even if it is rubbish.  To ignore it would be prejudice.  There are a lot of references to different cataclysms or emergencies in this year.  Perhaps I will guard something, small or large, from this?

Belief in necessity

I am fairly sure that the world is a perfectly ordered place, hidden from us by illusions.  That is, I believe that the forces that control the universe have much more subtle and intricate effects that we are aware of.  There is no guiding intellect that tells DNA to unravel, copy, and reform.  It just happens, in response to local conditions.  It is as simple and beautiful as a chemical reaction obeying the laws of physics.  So is everything else, on many different layers of a pattern, which seem more complex the higher we go, but which a really still dependent on the same factors.  As molecules move by diffusion, without any outside influence, into an area where there are fewer molecules, so people are called into their places in the pattern.  If this is true, then I was called into being as the Guardian, because it was necessary.  I have lived the life I have, had the education I have, been presented with the challenges and opportunities that I have, because it was necessary.  Therefore what I am is what I should be, and the more I escape from my illusions the more I can appreciate what I am and the better I will be able to fulfil my role.

This is one possible explanation for the idea of a “role”, when there is nobody with the authority to create that role.  It is a complicated argument that came to me when I was more firmly within the tradition of philosophy.  Now, it may need re-visiting to see if there is a more elegant explanation for the rightness of the name for me.

Colours of the Guardian

The two main colour of the Guardian are:

• Grey: as one who stands between extremes and brings balance.  He is light and dark.  He is chaos and clarity.  He dances and he is motionless
• Gold: the colour of the truth, of ultimate human ideals, of perfection

Also there is red (for his will), green (for his connection with the land), and to a lesser extend every other colour, for nothing should be beyond his exploration and knowledge.

Guardian as priest

It seems to me that being a Guardian is a lot like being a priest.  I find this idea helpful and inspirational.  But, like an initiate must pass through many stages before they become a full priest, I am a long way from being a full Guardian.

Stages I have passed through

• Pre-Dawn:  Floundering, uncontrollably, for the answers to questions I could barely grasp.  It was inelegant, frantic, and often unpleasant for me or others
• Dawning: Ideas begin to come to me, my name is revealed
• Novitiate: Not yet fully accepting of the path, and with almost total ignorance about it or the world, I prove myself dedicated to moving further, to not falling where others fell, of beginning to master my illusions (especially arrogance and depression), to seeking practical wisdom, and to being undaunted by the challenges that come.  I come very near to death when the greatest challenge comes, but cling on, though my ideas become wild and extravagant.  Towards the end I begin to feel calm.
• My new stage, fully accepted on the night of my 26th birthday, when I cut off my novice braid.  I nurture the tiny fragment of wisdom that I have found, pass it on where I can, and maintain what humility I can.  I am much more dedicated to the path, though emotional and practical needs to be accepted by others still hold me from total dedication.  I have yet to find the name for this stage.

Ideas from elsewhere…

Zen training criteria

From http://www.cloudsinwater.org/FZTDoc.htm

1. The deep and binding vow of compassion
2. Whole-hearted determination
3. Great ability
4. The clear wisdom mirror
5. Unsurpassed insight into the Way
6. Decisive walking on
7. Cutting off selfishness
8. Giving up worldly thoughts
9. Deep repentance
10. Detailed investigation of doubt in the heart

Trackback URI | Comments RSS